Vicevi
Razno
Forget about emoticons. These days clever e-mail correspondents enhance
their messages with "asscons." A list of them is making the
chain e-mail rounds.
(_!_) is a regular ass.
(__!__) is a fat ass.
(!) is a tight ass.
(_._) is a flat ass.
(_^_) is a bubble ass.
(_*_) is a sore ass.
(_o_) is an ass that's been around.
(_x_) means kiss my ass.
(_E=3Dmc2_) is a smartass.
(_$_) stands for money coming out of his ass. And
(_?_) is a dumbass.
- What did Bill Gates' wife say to him on their wedding night ?
- Now I know why you named your company Microsoft.
>
>
> A Betting Woman
>
>
> A little old lady walked into the head branch of the Chase
> Manhattan Bank holding a large paper bag in her hand.She told
> the young man at the window that she wished to take the $3
> million she had in the bag and open an account with the bank. She
> said that first, though, she wished to meet the president of
> Chase Manhattan Bank due to the amount of money involved.The
> teller seemed to think that was a reasonable request and after
> opening the paper bag and seeing the bundles of $1000 bills which
> amounted to right around $3 million, telephoned the bank's
> secretary to obtain an appointment for the lady.
>
> The lady was escorted upstairs and ushered into the president's
> office.Introductions were made and she stated that she would like
> to get to know the people she did business with on a more personal
> level.The bank president then asked her where she came into such
> a large amount of money.
>
> "Was it an inheritance?" he asked."No." she answered.
>
> "Was it from playing the stock market?""No." she replied.
>
> He was quiet for a minute, trying to think of where this little
> old lady could possibly come into $3 million.
>
> "I bet." she stated.
>
> "You bet?" repeated the bank president."As in horses?"
>
> "No." she replied, "I bet people."
>
> Seeing his confusion, she explained that she just bets different
> things with people.All of a sudden she said, "I'll bet you
> $25,000.00 that by 10:00 o'clock tomorrow morning, your balls
> will be square."
>
> The bank president figured she must be off her rocker and
> decided to take her up on the bet.He didn't see how he could
> lose.For the rest of the day, the bank president was very
> careful.He decided to stay home that evening and take no
> chances; there was $25,000.00 at stake.
>
> When he got up in the morning and took his shower, he checked to
> make sure everything was okay.There was no difference; he
> looked the same as he always had.He went to work and waited for
> the little old lady to come in at 10:00 o'clock, humming as he
> went.He knew this would be a good day; how often do you get
> handed $25,000.00 for doing nothing?
>
> At 10:00 o'clock sharp, the little old lady was shown into his
> office.With her was a younger man. When he inquired as to the
> man's purpose for being there, she informed him that he was her
> lawyer and she always took him along when there was this much
> money involved.
>
> "Well," she asked, "what about our bet?".
>
> "I don't know how to tell you this," he replied, "but I am the
> same as I've always been only $25,000.00 richer."
>
> The lady seemed to accept this, but requested that she be able
> to see for herself.The bank president thought this was
> reasonable and dropped his trousers.She instructed him to bend
> over and then grabbed a hold of him.Sure enough, everything was
> fine.The bank president then looked up and saw her lawyer
> standing across the room banging his head against the wall.
>
> "What' wrong with him?" he inquired.
>
> "Oh him,"she replied, "I bet him $100,000.00 that by 10:15
> this morning I'd have the president of Chase Manhattan Bank by
> the balls."
>
>
> ----------- End Forwarded Message -----------
>
> A mom, dad and their 10 year old girl, went down to Florida to visit a
> nudist camp. The girl goes walking around on the beach and comes back
> to her mother and says, "Mommy, mommy, women down here have bigger
> breasts than you." The mom replied, "That's right honey, but the
> bigger they are the dumber they are." The girl goes and walks around
> again. She comes back to her mom and says, "Mommy, mommy, guys down
> here have bigger penises than dad." The mom replied, "That's right
> honey, but the bigger they are the dumber they are." The girl goes on
> her way and comes running back to her mom again.
>
> "Mommy, mommy, dad is talking to this really dumb blonde and the
> longer he talks the dumber he gets."
>
> ----------------------
>
> The Pope had just finished a tour of the East Coast and was taking a
> limousine to the airport. Having never driven a limo, he asked the
> chauffeur if he could drive for a while. Well, the chauffeur didn't
> have much of a choice, so he climbs in the back of the limo and the
> Pope takes the wheel.
>
> The Pope proceeds onto HWY 95, and starts accelerating to see what
> the limo could do. He gets to about 90 mph, and suddenly he sees the
> blue lights of the State Patrol in his mirror.
>
> He pulls over and the trooper comes to his window. The trooper,
> seeing who it was, says, "Just a moment please, I need to call in."
>
> The trooper calls in and asks for the chief. He tells the chief that
> he's got a REALLY important person pulled over, and how to handle
> it.
>
> "It's not Ted Kennedy again is it?" replies the chief.
> "No Sir!" replied the trooper, "This guy's more important."
> "Is it the Governor?" replied the chief.
> "No! Even more important!" replies the trooper.
> "Is it the PRESIDENT??? replied the chief.
> "No! Even more important!" replies the trooper.
> "Well WHO THE HELL is it?" screams the chief.
> "I don't know Sir. I didn't see him," replies the trooper, "but he's
> got the Pope as his chauffeur."
>
The 5 Toughest Questions Women Ask Men
1 - "What are you thinking?"
2 - "Do you love me?"
3 - "Do I look fat"
4 - "Do you think she is prettier than me
6 -."What would you do if I died?"
What makes these questions so bad is that every one is guaranteed to
explode into a major argument and/or divorce if the man does not
answer properly, which is to say, dishonestly.
For example:
1). "What are you thinking?" The proper answer to this question of
course is, "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just
reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, caring, thoughtful, intelligent,
beautiful woman you are and what a Iucky guy I am to have met you."
Obviously, this statement bears no resemblance whatsoever to what
the guy was really thinking at the time, which was most likely one of
five things:
a - Baseball
b - Football
c - How fat you are.
d - How much prettier she is than you.
e - How he would spend the insurance money if you died.
According to a sassy article, the best answer to this stupid
question came from Al Bundy, of "Married With Children", who when
asked it by his wife, Peg said: "If I wanted you to know," l'd be
talking instead of thinking!"
The other questions also have only one right answer but many
wrong answers:
2 - "Do you love me?" The correct answer to this question is:
"Yes." For those guys who feel the need to be more elaborate, you
may answer, "Yes, dear." Wrong answers include:
a - I suppose so.
b - Would it make you feel better If I said yes.
c - That depends on what you mean by "love".
d - Does it matter?
e - Who, me?
3 - "Do I look fat?" The correct male response to this question is to
confidently and emphatically state, "No, of course not" and then
quickly leave the room. Wrong answers include:
a - I wouldn't call you fat, but I wouldn't call you thin either.
b - Compared to what?
c - A little extra weight looks good on you.
d - I've seen fatter.
e - Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about our
insurance policy.
4 - "Do you think she's prettier than me? " The "she" in the
question could be an ex-girlfriend, a passer-by you were starring at
so hard that you almost cause a traffic accident, or an actress in a
movie you just saw.
In any case, the correct response is, "No, you are much prettier."
Wrong answers include:
a - Not prettier, just pretty in a different way.
b - I don't know how one goes about rating such things.
c - Yes, but I bet you have a better personality.
d - Only in the sense that she's younger and thinner.
e - Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about our
Insurance policy.
5 - "What would you do if I died?" Correct answer: "Dearest love, in
the event of your untimely demise, life would cease to have meaning for
me and I would be forced to hurl myself under the front tires of the
first Domino's Pizza truck that came my way!"
-----------------------------------------------------
. . . IF YOUR SPOUSE DIES
"Dear." said the wife. "What would you do if I died?"
"Why, dear, I would be extremely upset," said the husband. "Why do
you ask such a question?"
"Would you remarry?" persevered the wife.
"No, of course not, dear" said the husband.
"Don't you like being married?" said the wife.
"Of course I do, dear" he said.
"Than why wouldn't you remarry?"
"All right," said the husband, "I'd remarry."
"You would?" said the wife, looking vaguely hurt.
"Yes" said the husband.
"Would you sleep with her in our bed?" said the wife, after a long pause.
"Well yes, I suppose I would." replied the husband.
"I see," said the wife indignantly. "And would you let her wear my old
clothes?"
"I suppose, if she wanted to." said the husband.
"Really," said the wife icily. "And would you take down the pictures
of me and replace them with pictures of her?"
"Yes, I think that would be the correct thing to do."
"Is that so?" said the wife, leaping to her feet. "And I suppose
you'd let her use with my golf clubs. too."
"Of course not, dear," said the husband. "She is left-handed."
>
>A friend of mine was on the phone with a tech rep from another company. That
>tech rep called in to ask some questions about system setup, as the company
>this tech works for actually sells, installs and warranties systems. While
>they were on the phone, this tech rep received an incoming call, which he
took
>after. When the caller hung up, the tech rep came back on the phone,
laughing
>like a crazy person. This is the call he took:
>
> Caller: "Hello, is this Tech Support?"
>
> Tech Rep: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?"
>
> Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my
> warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?"
>
> Tech Rep: "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?"
>
> Caller: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer."
>
> Tech Rep: "Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, it's because I
> am. Did you receive this as part of a promotional, at a
> trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it
> have any trademark on it?"
>
> Caller: "It came with my computer, I don't know anything about a
> promotional. It just has '4X' on it."
>
> At this point the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he couldn't stand
> it. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup
> holder, and snapped it off the drive.
>
>
> Freemen Stand-off
>
>
> 8) Send in Clinton as a negotiator. If he brings them out, we win.
> If he doesn't come out again, we _STILL_ win.
>
> 7) Cut off their Usenet news feed.
>
> 6) Send them 500 boxes of fudge brownies and.... 1 gallon of milk.
>
> 5) Said brownies packaged by Ted Kaczynski.
>
> 4) ...and delivered by Timothy McVeigh.
>
> 3) Reroute ValueJet flight paths over the targ--err, problem area.
>
> 2) Have the Freeman declared as an NFL franchise. After a couple of months,
> they'll move on their own.
>
> 1) It's Montana, for crying out loud. Let the militia men have it.
>
Clinton and the Marines:
Clintons is coming back from a day in Arkansas ...
As soon as his chopper lands, he gets out with a PIG under each of
his arms ...
A young Marine Sergeant - standing guard - salutes him and yells:
"NICE pigs , Sir " !
Clinton gets in his face - yells back:
"These are not PIGS, they are Arkansas RAZORBACKS -
got one for Hilary - and one for Chelsea " !!!
Marine Sergeant, still not blinking, standing still, yells back:
"NICE TRADE SIR" !!!!
Engineers Explained
People who work in the fields of science and technology are not like
other
people. This can be frustrating to the nontechnical people who have to
deal with them. The secret to coping with technology-oriented people
is
to understand their motivations. This chapter will teach you
everything
you need to know. I learned their customs and mannerisms by observing
them, much the way Jane Goodall learned about the great apes, but
without
the hassle of grooming.
Engineering is so trendy these days that everybody wants to be one.
The
word "engineer" is greatly overused. If there's somebody in your life
who
you think is trying to pass as an engineer, give him this test to
discern
the truth.
ENGINEER IDENTIFICATION TEST
You walk into a room and notice that a picture is hanging crooked.
You...
A. Straighten it. B. Ignore it. C. Buy a CAD system and spend the next
six
months designing a solar-powered, self-adjusting picture frame while
often
stating aloud your belief that the inventor of the nail was a total
moron.
The correct answer is "C" but partial credit can be given to anybody
who
writes "It depends" in the margin of the test or simply blames the
whole
stupid thing on "Marketing."
SOCIAL SKILLS
Engineers have different objectives when it comes to social
interaction.
"Normal" people expect to accomplish several unrealistic things from
social > interaction: *Stimulating and thought-provoking conversation
*Important social contacts *A feeling of connectedness with other
humans
In contrast to "normal" people, engineers have rational objectives for
social interactions:
*Get it over with as soon as possible. *Avoid getting invited to
something
unpleasant. *Demonstrate mental superiority and mastery of all
subjects.
FASCINATION WITH GADGETS
To the engineer, all matter in the universe can be placed into one of
two
categories: (1) things that need to be fixed, and (2) things that will
need to be fixed after you've had a few minutes to play with them.
Engineers like to solve problems. If there are no problems handily
available,
they will create their own problems. Normal people don't understand
this
concept; they believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers
believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.
No engineer looks at a television remote control without wondering what
it
would take to turn it into a stun gun. No engineer can take a shower
without wondering if some sort of Teflon coating would make showering
unnecessary.
To the engineer, the world is a toy box full of sub-optimized and
feature-poor
toys.
FASHION AND APPEARANCE
Clothes are the lowest priority for an engineer, assuming the basic
thresholds for temperature and decency have been satisfied. If no
appendages are freezing or sticking together, and if no genitalia or
mammary g lands are swinging around in plain view, then the objective
of
clothing has been met. Anything else is a waste.
LOVE OF "STAR TREK"
Engineers love all of the "Star Trek" television shows and movies.
It's a
small wonder, since the engineers on the starship Enterprise are
portrayed
as heroes, occasionally even having sex with aliens. This is much more
glamorous than the real life of an engineer, which consists of hiding
from
the universe and having sex without the participation of other life
forms.
DATING AND SOCIAL LIFE
Dating is never easy for engineers. A normal person will employ
various
indirect and duplicitous methods to create a false impression of
attractiveness. Engineers are incapable of placing appearance above
function.
Fortunately, engineers have an ace in the hole. They are widely
recognized as superior marriage material: intelligent, dependable,
employed, honest, and handy around the house. While it's true that
many
normal people would prefer not to date an engineer, most normal people
harbor an intense desire to mate with them, thus producing engineerlike
children who will have high-paying jobs long before losing their
virginity.
Male engineers reach their peak of sexual attractiveness later than
normal
men, becoming irresistible erotic dynamos in their mid thirties to late
forties. Just look at these examples of sexually irresistible men in
technical professions:
* Bill Gates.
* MacGyver.
* Etcetera.
Female engineers become irresistible at the age of consent and remain
that
way until about thirty minutes after their clinical death. Longer if
it's
a warm day.
HONESTY
Engineers are always honest in matters of technology and human
relationships. That's why it's a good idea to keep engineers away from
customers, romantic interests, and other people who can't handle the
truth.
Engineers sometimes bend the truth to avoid work. They say things that
sound like lies but technically are not because nobody could be
expected
to believe them. The complete list of engineer lies is listed below.
"I won't change anything without asking you first."
"I'll return your hard-to-find cable tomorrow."
"I have to have new equipment to do my job."
"I'm not jealous of your new computer."
FRUGALITY
Engineers are notoriously frugal. This is not because of cheapness or
mean spirit; it is simply because every spending situation is simply a
problem in optimization, that is, "How can I escape this situation
while
retaining the greatest amount of cash?"
POWERS OF CONCENTRATION
If there is one trait that best defines an engineer it is the ability
to
concentrate on one subject to the complete exclusion of everything else
in
the environment. This sometimes causes engineers to be pronounced dead
prematurely. Some funeral homes in high-tech areas have started
checking
resumes before processing the bodies. Anybody with a degree in
electrical
engineering or experience in computer programming is propped up in the
lounge for a few days just to see if he or she snaps out of it.
RISK
Engineers hate risk. They try to eliminate it whenever they can. This
is
understandable, given that when an engineer makes one little mistake
the
media will treat it like it's a big deal or something.
> EXAMPLES OF BAD
PRESS FOR ENGINEERS * Hindenburg. * Space Shuttle Challenger. *
SPANet(tm)
* Hubble space telescope. * Apollo 13. * Titanic. * Ford Pinto. *
Corvair.
The risk/reward calculation for engineers looks something like this:
RISK: Public humiliation and the death of thousands of innocent people.
REWARD: A certificate of appreciation in a handsome plastic frame.
Being practical people, engineers evaluate this balance of risks and
rewards and decide that risk is not a good thing. The best way to
Subject: YUQ HUMOR: Engineers Explained
Engineers Explained
People who work in the fields of science and technology are not like
other
people. This can be frustrating to the nontechnical people who have to
deal with them. The secret to coping with technology-oriented people
is
to understand their motivations. This chapter will teach you
everything
you need to know. I learned their customs and mannerisms by observing
them, much the way Jane Goodall learned about the great apes, but
without
the hassle of grooming.
Engineering is so trendy these days that everybody wants to be one.
The
word "engineer" is greatly overused. If there's somebody in your life
who
you think is trying to pass as an engineer, give him this test to
discern
the truth.
ENGINEER IDENTIFICATION TEST
You walk into a room and notice that a picture is hanging crooked.
You...
A. Straighten it. B. Ignore it. C. Buy a CAD system and spend the next
six
months designing a solar-powered, self-adjusting picture frame while
often
stating aloud your belief that the inventor of the nail was a total
moron.
The correct answer is "C" but partial credit can be given to anybody
who
writes "It depends" in the margin of the test or simply blames the
whole
stupid thing on "Marketing."
SOCIAL SKILLS
Engineers have different objectives when it comes to social
interaction.
"Normal" people expect to accomplish several unrealistic things from
social > interaction: *Stimulating and thought-provoking conversation
*Important social contacts *A feeling of connectedness with other
humans
In contrast to "normal" people, engineers have rational objectives for
social interactions:
*Get it over with as soon as possible. *Avoid getting invited to
something
unpleasant. *Demonstrate mental superiority and mastery of all
subjects.
FASCINATION WITH GADGETS
To the engineer, all matter in the universe can be placed into one of
two
categories: (1) things that need to be fixed, and (2) things that will
need to be fixed after you've had a few minutes to play with them.
Engineers like to solve problems. If there are no problems handily
available,
they will create their own problems. Normal people don't understand
this
concept; they believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers
believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.
No engineer looks at a television remote control without wondering what
it
would take to turn it into a stun gun. No engineer can take a shower
without wondering if some sort of Teflon coating would make showering
unnecessary.
To the engineer, the world is a toy box full of sub-optimized and
feature-poor
toys.
FASHION AND APPEARANCE
Clothes are the lowest priority for an engineer, assuming the basic
thresholds for temperature and decency have been satisfied. If no
appendages are freezing or sticking together, and if no genitalia or
mammary g lands are swinging around in plain view, then the objective
of
clothing has been met. Anything else is a waste.
LOVE OF "STAR TREK"
Engineers love all of the "Star Trek" television shows and movies.
It's a
small wonder, since the engineers on the starship Enterprise are
portrayed
as heroes, occasionally even having sex with aliens. This is much more
glamorous than the real life of an engineer, which consists of hiding
from
the universe and having sex without the participation of other life
forms.
DATING AND SOCIAL LIFE
Dating is never easy for engineers. A normal person will employ
various
indirect and duplicitous methods to create a false impression of
attractiveness. Engineers are incapable of placing appearance above
function.
Fortunately, engineers have an ace in the hole. They are widely
recognized as superior marriage material: intelligent, dependable,
employed, honest, and handy around the house. While it's true that
many
normal people would prefer not to date an engineer, most normal people
harbor an intense desire to mate with them, thus producing engineerlike
children who will have high-paying jobs long before losing their
virginity.
Male engineers reach their peak of sexual attractiveness later than
normal
men, becoming irresistible erotic dynamos in their mid thirties to late
forties. Just look at these examples of sexually irresistible men in
technical professions:
* Bill Gates.
* MacGyver.
* Etcetera.
Female engineers become irresistible at the age of consent and remain
that
way until about thirty minutes after their clinical death. Longer if
it's
a warm day.
HONESTY
Engineers are always honest in matters of technology and human
relationships. That's why it's a good idea to keep engineers away from
customers, romantic interests, and other people who can't handle the
truth.
Engineers sometimes bend the truth to avoid work. They say things that
sound like lies but technically are not because nobody could be
expected
to believe them. The complete list of engineer lies is listed below.
"I won't change anything without asking you first."
"I'll return your hard-to-find cable tomorrow."
"I have to have new equipment to do my job."
"I'm not jealous of your new computer."
FRUGALITY
Engineers are notoriously frugal. This is not because of cheapness or
mean spirit; it is simply because every spending situation is simply a
problem in optimization, that is, "How can I escape this situation
while
retaining the greatest amount of cash?"
POWERS OF CONCENTRATION
If there is one trait that best defines an engineer it is the ability
to
concentrate on one subject to the complete exclusion of everything else
in
the environment. This sometimes causes engineers to be pronounced dead
prematurely. Some funeral homes in high-tech areas have started
checking
resumes before processing the bodies. Anybody with a degree in
electrical
engineering or experience in computer programming is propped up in the
lounge for a few days just to see if he or she snaps out of it.
RISK
Engineers hate risk. They try to eliminate it whenever they can. This
is
understandable, given that when an engineer makes one little mistake
the
media will treat it like it's a big deal or something.
> EXAMPLES OF BAD
PRESS FOR ENGINEERS * Hindenburg. * Space Shuttle Challenger. *
SPANet(tm)
* Hubble space telescope. * Apollo 13. * Titanic. * Ford Pinto. *
Corvair.
The risk/reward calculation for engineers looks something like this:
RISK: Public humiliation and the death of thousands of innocent people.
REWARD: A certificate of appreciation in a handsome plastic frame.
Being practical people, engineers evaluate this balance of risks and
rewards and decide that risk is not a good thing. The best way to
avoid
risk is by advising that any activity is technically impossible for
reasons that are far too complicated to explain.
If that approach is not sufficient to halt project, then the engineer
will
fall back to a second line of defense: "It's technically possible but
it
will cost too much."
EGO
Ego-wise, two things are important to engineers:
* How smart they are.
* How many cool devices they own.
The fastest way to get an engineer to solve a problem is to declare
that
the problem is unsolvable. No engineer can walk away from an
unsolvable
problem until it's solved. No illness or distraction is sufficient to
get
the engineer off the case. These types of challenges quickly become a
personal battle between the engineer and the laws of nature. Engineers
will go without food and hygiene for days to solve a problem. (Other
times just because they forgot.) And when they succeed in solving the
problem they will experience an ego rush that is better than sex--and
I'm
including the kind of sex where other people are involved.
Nothing is more threatening to the engineer than the suggestion that
somebody has more technical skill. Normal people sometimes use that
knowledge as a lever to extract more work from the engineer. When an
engineer says that something can't be done (a code phrase that means
it's
not fun to do), some clever normal people have learned to glance at the
engineer with a look of compassion and pity and say something along
these
lines: "I'll ask Bob to figure it out. He knows how to solve
difficult
technical problems."
At that point it is a good idea for the normal person to not stand
between
the engineer and the problem. The engineer will set upon the problem
like
a starved Chihuahua on a pork chop.
"The most wasted day of all is that on which we have not laughed"
~Sebastion Roch Nicolas Chamfort~
Instructions for
"Shooting Yourself in the Foot"
in various computer languages
and systems/interfaces
============================================================================
The proliferation of modern programming languages (all of which seem to
have stolen countless features from one another) sometimes makes it
difficult to remember what language you're currently using. This guide
is offered as a public service to help programmers who find themselves
in such dilemmas.
In order to help you make a competent, uncomplicated choice concerning the
competition between complex, incompatible computer compilers, we have
composed this complete, compact, composite compendium comprising comparisons
to compensate for the complaints and complements of their compromises. We
hope you will find it comprehensible rather than compost.
-------------
Ada: After correctly packaging your foot, you attempt to concurrently
load the gun, pull the trigger, scream and shoot yourself in the foot.
When you try, however, you discover that your foot is of the wrong type.
Ada: The Department of Defense shoots you in the foot after
offering you a blindfold and a last cigarette.
APL: GN (* Upside down triangle *) FT ^ BLT
You shoot yourself in the foot, then spend all day figuring out
how to do it fewer characters.
Assembly: You try to shoot yourself in the foot only to discover you
must first reinvent the gun, the bullet, and your foot.
BASIC: Shoot yourself in the foot with a water pistol. On big systems,
continue until entire lower body is waterlogged.
C: *foot = bullet; % You shoot yourself in the foot and then no one else can
figure out what you did.
C++: You accidentally create a dozen instances of yourself and shoot
them all in the foot. Providing emergency medical assistance is
impossible since you can't tell which are bitwise copies and which are
just pointing at others and saying, "That's me, over there."
COBOL: USE HANDGUN.COLT(45), AIM AT LEG.FOOT, THEN WITH ARM.HAND.FINGER
ON HANDGUN.-COLT(TRIGGER) PERFORM SQUEEZE, RETURN HANDGUN.COLT TO HIP.HOLSTER
CHECK whether shoelace needs to be retied.
FORTH: Foot in yourself shoot.
FORTRAN: EQUIVALENCE (BULLET, FOOT)
You shoot yourself in each toe, iteratively, until you run out
of toes, than you read in the next foot and repeat. If you run out of
bullets, you continue anyway because you have no exception-handling ability.
HyperTalk: Put the first bullet of the gun into foot left of leg of
you. Answer the result.
LISP: You shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with
which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with
which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with
which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with
which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds ....
Machine Language: LDA BULLET
STA FOOT
Modula-2: You perform a shooting on what might currently be a foot with what
might currently be a bullet shot by what might currently be a gun.
Oberon: After realizing that you can't actually accomplish anything in
this language, you shoot yourself in the head.
occam: You shoot both your feet with several guns a once.
ORCA/C: Byteworks keeps promising to supply good ammunition RSN!
Pascal: The compiler won't let you shoot yourself in the foot.
Pascal: Same as Modula-2, except the bullet is not of the right type for the
gun and your hand is blown off.
PL/1: After comsuming all system resources including bullets, the data
processing department doubles its size, acquires two new mainframes and drops
the original on your foot.
PostScript: /startshot bodyfont foot moveto foot cleanup showpage
Prolog: You tell your program you want to be shot in the foot. The
program figures out how to do it, but the syntax doesn't allow it to explain.
Prolog (interpreted): Your program tries to shoot you in the foot, but you
die
of old age before the bullet leaves the gun.
Prolog (compiled): The facts are against you. You try to stop the gun from
shooting you in the foot, but it replies "No."
Revelation: You'll be able to shoot yourself in the foot just as soon
as you figure out what all these bullets are for.
Smalltalk: You spend so much time playing with the graphics and windowing
system that your boss shoots you in the foot, takes away your workstation,
and makes you develop in COBOL on a character terminal.
Snobol: Grab your foot with your hand and rewrite your hand to be a bullet.
SNOBOL: If you succeed, shoot yourself in the left foot. If you fail,
shoot yourself in the right foot.
Visual Basic: You'll shoot yourself in the foot, but you'll have so
much fun doing it that you won't care.
370 JCL: You send your foot down to MIS with a 4000-page document
explaining how you want it to be shot. Three years later, your foot
comes back deep-fried.
68000: You can't decide which gun and which bullet to use, so
you hang yourself.
8080: You foot yourself in the shoot.
Z80...
Apple System 7: Double click the gun icon and a window giving a selection
for guns, target areas, plus ballon help with medical remedies, and
assorted sound effects. Click shoot button and small bomb appears with note
"Error of type 1 has occurred."
Csh: After searching the manual until your foot falls asleep, you shoot the
computer and switch to C.
Concurrent Euclid: You shoot yourself in somebody else's foot.
dBase: You buy a gun. Bullets are only available from another company and
are
promised to work so you buy them. Then you find out that the next version of
the gun is the one that is scheduled to actually shoot bullets.
Motif: You spend days writing a UIL description of your foot, the
trajectory, the bullet, and the intricate scrollwork on the ivory
handles of the gun. When you finally get around to pulling the
trigger, the gun jams.
Next: You shoot yourself in the foot with a BB using a Scud missle launcher.
Paradox: Not only can you shoot yourself in the foot, your users can too.
TECO: @fs/bullet/foot/
Unix: % ls foot.c foot.h foot.o toe.c toe.o % rm *.o rm:.o: No such
file or directory % ls %
Windows: You click on Bullet, and the mouse knocks the manual off the
desktop.
The manual lands corner-first on your foot.
HP-Calculator: Foot Bullet shootInto
Hello, Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline
If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what
you want. Just stay on the line until we can trace the call.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice
tell you which number to press.
If you are manic-depresive, it doesn't matter which number you
press. No one will answer.
Ba> The Baked Bean Story
Ba>
Ba> Once upon a time, there lived a mailman in Ireland who had a maddening
Ba> passion for baked beans. He loved them so much, but they always had a
Ba> very embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him. Then one day
Ba> he met a girl and fell in love. When it was apparent that they would
Ba> marry, he thought to himself, "She's such a sweet and gentle girl, she
Ba> will never go for this kind of carrying on." So he made the supreme
Ba> sacrifice and gave up the beans. They were married shortly thereafter.
Ba>
Ba> Some months later, the car broke down on his way home from work, and
Ba> since they lived out in the country, he called his wife and told her
Ba> he would be late because he had to walk home. On his way home he
Ba> passed a small cafe and the odor of freshly baked beans was
Ba> overwhelming. Since he still had several miles left to walk, he
Ba> figured he would have walked off any ill effects before he got home.
Ba> So he stopped at the cafe and before he left he had eaten three orders
Ba> of baked beans.
Ba> All the way home, he putt-putted and after arriving, he felt
Ba> reasonably safe that he had putt-putted his last. His wife seemed
Ba> somewhat agitated and excited to see him and exclaimed delightedly,
Ba> "Darling, I have the most wonderful suprise for dinner tonight." She
Ba> then blindfolded him and led him to his chair at the head of the dining
Ba> table. He seated himself and just as she was ready to remove the
Ba> blindfold, the phone rang.
Ba> She made him vow not to touch the blindfold untill she returned. She
Ba> went to answer the phone.
Ba>
Ba> Seizing the opportunity, he shifted his weight to one leg and let go.
Ba> It was not only loud but as ripe as rotten eggs. He took the napkin
Ba> from his lap and vigorously fanned the air about him. Things had just
Ba> returned to normal when he felt another urge coming on him, so he
Ba> shifted his weight to the other leg and let go again. This one was a
Ba> true prize-winner.
Ba>
Ba> While keeping his ear on the conversation in the hall, he went on like
Ba> this for ten minutes untill he knew the phone farewells indicated the
Ba> end of his freedom. He placed his napkin on his lap and folded his
Ba> hands on top of it, and smiling contentedly to himself, was the very
Ba> picture of innocence when his wife returned, apologizing for taking so
Ba> long. She asked if he had peeked and he, of course, assured her that
Ba> he had not. At this point, she removed the blindfold and there was the
Ba> suprise -- 12 dinner guests seated around the table for a happy
Ba> birthday party for him.
CITY OF EAST LOS ANGELES
HIGH SCHOOL MATH PROFICIENCY EXAM
NAME: ______________________ GANG:__________________________
1. Jamael has an AK-47 with a 40-round clip. If he misses 6 out of 10 shots
and shoots 13 times each drive-by, how many drive-by shootings can he attend
before he has to reload.
2. Jose has 2 ounces of cocain and he sells an 8-ball to Jackson for $320 and 2
grams to Bitty for $85 per gram. What is the street value of the remaining
cocain that he doesn't cut?
3. If Malik has a 10-pound baseball bat in his left hand and watches Rodney
King getting beat up at 7.30 pm, how many Korean stores will he smash the
windows of by 9.00 pm the same day?
4. If Colin Ferguson gets revenge on the subway train in 1994, and is seen
by 1,994 witnesses, how many charges will be filed against him by the NY
district attorney?
5. If Jemima has her first child by Malcolm at age 14, what is the
probability that at age 17, her 5th child will have Lenny as the father?
6. How many foodstamps do you have to trade for 0.5 ounces of crack?
7. How many babies do you have to have to get the correct amount of
foodstamps for 0.5 ounces of crack?
6. How many wallets do you have to steal for 0.5 ounces of crack.
8. If OJ Simpson is found at the crime scene with the bloody glove, the
knife, and Nicole's eyeglasses, how many policemen did it have to take to
set him up?
YOU MAY BE AN ENGINEER/COMPUTER SCIENTIST/SCIENTIST/TECHNO-WEENIE
If you introduce your wife as "mylady@home.wife"
If your spouse sends you an e-mail instead of calling you to dinner
If you can quote scenes from any Monty Python movie
If you want an 8X CDROM for Christmas
If Dilbert is your hero
If you stare at an orange juice container because it says CONCENTRATE
If you can name 6 Star Trek episodes
If the only jokes you receive are through e-mail
If your wrist watch has more computing power than a 486DX-50
If your idea of good interpersonal communication means getting the
decimal
point in the right place
If you look forward to Christmas only to put together the kids' toys
If you use a CAD package to design your son's Pine Wood Derby car
If you have used coat hangers and duct tape for something other than
hanging
coats and taping ducts
If, at Christmas, it goes without saying that you will be the one to
find
the burnt-out bulb in the string
If you window shop at Radio Shack
If your ideal evening consists of fast-forwarding through the latest
sci-fi
movie looking for technical inaccuracies
If you have "Dilbert" comics displayed anywhere in your work area
If you carry on a one-hour debate over the expected results of a test
that
actually takes five minutes to run
If you are convinced you can build a phazer out of your garage door
opener
and your camera's flash attachment
If you don't even know where the cover to your personal computer is
If you have modified your can-opener to be microprocessor driven
If you know the direction the water swirls when you flush
If you own "Official Star Trek" anything
If you have ever taken the back off your TV just to see what's inside
If a team of you and your co-workers have set out to modify the
antenna on
the radio in your work area for better reception
If you ever burned down the gymnasium with your Science Fair project
If you are currently gathering the components to build your own
nuclear
reactor
If you own one or more white short-sleeve dress shirts
If you have never backed-up your hard drive
If you are aware that computers are actually only good for playing
games,
but are afraid to say it out loud
If you truly believe aliens are living among us
If you have ever saved the power cord from a broken appliance
If you have ever purchased an electronic appliance "as-is"
If you see a good design and still have to change it
If the salespeople at Circuit City can't answer any of your questions
If you still own a slide rule and you know how to work it
If the thought that a CD could refer to finance or music never enters
your
mind
If you own a set of itty-bitty screw drivers, but you don't remember
where
they are
If you rotate your screen savers more frequently than your automobile
tires
If you have a functioning home copier machine, but every toaster you
own
turns bread into charcoal
If you have more toys than your kids
If you need a checklist to turn on the TV
If you have introduced your kids by the wrong name
If you have a habit of destroying things in order to see how they work
If your I.Q. number is bigger than your weight
If the microphone or visual aids at a meeting don't work and you rush
up to
the front to fix it
If you can remember 7 computer passwords but not your anniversary
If you have memorized the program schedule for the Discovery channel
and
have seen most of the shows already
If you have ever owned a calculator with no equal key and know what
RPN
stands for
If your father sat 2 inches in front of your family's first color TV
with a
magnifying lens to see how they made the colors, and you grew up
thinking
that was normal
If you know how to take the cover off of your computer, and what size
screw
driver to use
If you can type 70 words a minute but can't read your own handwriting
If people groan at the party when you pick out the music
If you can't remember where you parked your car for the 3rd time this
week
If you did the sound system for your senior prom
If your checkbook always balances
If your wristwatch has more buttons than a telephone
If you have more friends on the Internet than in real life
If you thought the real heroes of "Apollo 13" were the mission
controllers
If you think that when people around you yawn, it's because they
didn't get
enough sleep
If you spend more on your home computer than your car
If you know what http:/ stands for
If you've ever tried to repair a $5.00 radio
If you have a neatly sorted collection of old bolts and nuts in your
garage
If your three year old son asks why the sky is blue and you try to
explain
atmospheric absorption theory
If your laptop computer costs more than your car
If your 4 basic food groups are:
1. Caffeine
2. Fat
3. Sugar
4. Chocolate
Chase Manhattan Bank
An elderly lady walked into a branch of the Chase Manhattan Bank
building holding a large paper bag in her hand. She told the young
man at the window that she wished to take the $3 million she had in
the bag and open an account with the bank. She said that first,
though, she would like to meet the President of Chase Manhattan
Bank. Due to the amount of money involved, the teller seemed to
think that that was a reasonable request and after opening the paper
bag and seeing bundles of $1,000 bills which amounted to right around
$3 million, telephoned the President's secretary to obtain an
appointment for the woman.
The woman was escorted upstairs and ushered into the president's
office. Introductions were made and she stated that she liked to get
to know the people she did business with on a more personal level.
The bank president then asked her how she came into such a large sum
of money.
"Was it an inheritance?" he asked.
"No," she answered.
"Was it from playing the stock market?" he inquired.
"No," she replied.
He was quiet for a second, trying to think of where this elderly
woman could possibly have come up with 3 million dollars.
"I bet," she stated.
"As in horses?" he asked.
"No," she replied. "I bet people." Seeing his confusion, she
explained that she just bet on different things with people. All of
a sudden she said, "I'll bet you $25,000 that by 10 o'clock tomorrow
morning your balls will be square."
The bank president figured she must be off her rocker and decided to
take her on her bet. He didn't know how he could lose. For the rest
of the day he was very careful. He decided to stay home that evening
and take no chances as there was $25,000 at stake.
When he got up in the morning and took his shower, he checked to make
sure everything was okay. There was no difference in his scrotal
appearance. He looked the same as he always had. He went to work
and waited for the woman to come in at 10 o'clock, humming as he
went. He knew this would be his lucky day -- how often did he get
handed $25,000 for doing nothing?
At 10 o'clock sharp the woman was shown into his office. With her
was a man. When the bank president asked what the other man was
doing in the office, she informed the president that he was her
lawyer and she always took him along when there was that much money
involved. "Well," she asked, "what about our bet?"
"I don't know how to tell you this," he replied, "but I'm the same
as I've always been, only $25,000 richer!"
The lady seemed to accept this, but requested that she be able to see
herself. The bank president thought this was a reasonable request
considering the amount of money involved and dropped his trousers.
She instructed him to bend over and then she grabbed hold of him.
Sure enough, everything was fine. His balls were not square.
The bank president then looked up and saw her lawyer, standing across
the room banging his head against the wall. "What's wrong with him?"
he inquired.
"Oh, him," she answered. I bet him $100,000 that by 10 o'clock
this morning I'd have the president of Chase Manhattan Bank by the
balls."
A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves and engage in
animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their
conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one
of the men say the following;
"Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses, they come together. I come again.
Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I
come once-a more."
"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country
we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "I'mma just tella my friend howa to
spell Mississippi."
>>
>>A WOMAN ACCOMPANIED HER HUSBAND TO THE DOCTOR'S
>>OFFICE. AFTER THE CHECKUP, THE DOCTOR TOOK THE WIFE ASIDE AND SAID,
>>"IF YOU DON'T DO THE FOLLOWING, YOUR HUSBAND WILL SURELY DIE:
>>
>>1. "EACH MORNING, FIX HIM A HEALTHY BREAKFAST INCLUDING HOT CHOCOLATE
>>AND BELGIUM WAFFLES, AND SEND HIM OFF TO WORK WITH A KISS ON HIS CHEEK
>>AND IN A GOOD MOOD.
>>
>>2. "AT LUNCH TIME, MAKE HIM A WARM, NUTRITIOUS MEAL AND PUT HIM IN A
>>GOOD FRAME OR MIND BEFORE HE GOES BACK TO WORK.
>>
>>3. "FOR DINNER, FIX AN ESPECIALLY NICE MEAL, AND DON'T BURDEN HIM
>>WITH HOUSEHOLD CHORES.
>>
>>4. AT NIGHT, HAVE SEX WITH HIM SEVERAL TIMES A WEEK. BE TENDER WITH
>>HIM, DO WHATEVER HE ASKS YOU TO DO AS IF
>>YOU WERE ON ANOTHER HONEYMOON, AND SATISFY HIS EVERY WHIM.
>>
>>AFTERWARDS, ON THE WAY HOME, THE HUSBAND ASKED HIS WIFE WHAT THE
>>DOCTOR HAD SAID.
>>
>>"YOU'RE GOING TO DIE." SHE REPLIED.
>
Q: What do you call a black girl with braces?
A: A Black-and-Decker-Pecker-Wrecker.
-----
One day a James Bond, Robbin Hood and Rambo was sitting in a
pub bragging about how well each of them could shoot.
They decided that they should have a small competition to show who
the best marksman is.
They grabbed a little guy who was busy listening at the conversation.
They let him stand against the wall with an apple on his head.
James was first, he took out his pistol and fired one shot. The apple
exploded. He said while blowing in the pistols barrel :
" BOND, JAMES BOND."
Robbin was next and took out his bow and arrow. He took aim and fired
one arrow. The apple flew into the air with the arrow sticking into
it. Robbin said : " Robbin, Robin Hood."
Rambo was next and he took out a double barrel shotgun. He aimed and
fired. The apple and the little mans face exploded. Rambo said :
" SORRY...FUCKING SORRY ."
-----
A BIT LONG - but it worth it - I think :-)
The VIRGIN
==========
It's your first time. As you lie back your muscles tighten. You
put him off for awhile searching for an excuse, but he refuses to
be swayed as he approaches you. He asks if you're afraid and you
shake your head bravely. He has had more experience, but it's the
first time his finger has found the right place. He probes deeply
and you shiver; your body tenses; but he's gentle like he promised
he'd be. He looks deeply within your eyes and tells you to trust
him-- he's done this many times before. His cool smile relaxes you
and you open wider to give him more room for an ease entrance. You
begin to plead and beg him to hurry, but he slowly takes his time,
wanting to cause you as little pain as possible. As he presses
closer, going deeper, you feel the tissue give way; pain surges
throughout your body and you feel the slight trickle of blood
as he continues. He looks at you concerned and asks you if it's
too painful. Your eyes are filled with tears but you shake you head
and nod for him to go on. He begins moving in and out with skill
but you are now too numb to feel him within you. After a few
frenzied moments, you feel something bursting within you and he pulls
it out of you, you lay panting, glad to have it over. He looks
at you and smiling warmly, tells you, with a chuckle; that you have
been his most stubborn yet most rewarding experience. You smile and
thank your dentist. After all, it was your first time to have a tooth
pulled.
-----
A blonde driving a brand new car is car-jacked at gun point.
The police question her, and she responds: "I don't remember what he looked
like, but I can give you his license plate number."
....
But, come to think of it, would a blonde, per chance, remember that?
>
> > > Where are elephants sex organs?
> > > In his feet because if he steps on you your fucked.
> > >
> > > What's old and smells of Ginger Rogers?
> > > Fred Astairs face.
> > >
> > > What do call a pretty girl in Poland?
> > > A tourist.
> > >
> > > What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree?
> > > Hold on to your nuts this is going to be a hell of a blow job.
> > >
> > > Why wasn't Jesus born in the USA?
> > > Because they couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.
> > >
> > > Why do women have two holes so close together?
> > > In case you miss.
> > >
> > > What's got four legs and an arm?
> > > A rottweiler.
> > >
> > > "Mummy, do au pair's bottoms come off?"
> > > "No dear, why?"
> > > "Well I heard Daddy telling the next door neighbour that he'd screwed
> > > the arse of ours."
> > >
> > > Why did the condom fly across the room?
> > > It was pissed off.
> > >
> > > What's better than roses on your piano?
> > > Two lips on your organ.
> > >
> > > Why did the homosexual leave home?
> > > He didn't like the way he was being reared.
> > > Why did he come back?
> > > He couldn't stand leaving his brother's behind.
> > >
> > > What's blue and fucks OAP's?
> > > Hypothermia.
> > >
> > > What's the difference between a bowling ball and an Essex's girl.
> > > You can only get three finger's in a bowling ball.
> > > How are a bowling ball and an Essex's girl alike?
> > > You can pick them both up, stick your fingers in them, through them
> > > in the gutter and they always come back for more.
> > >
> > > Two men and a woman were stranded on a desert island. After two
> > > weeks, the woman was so ashamed of what she was doing, she killed
> > > herself.
> > > After two more weeks, the men were so ashamed of what they were
> > > doing, they finally buried her.
> > > After two more weeks, the men were so ashamed of what they were
> > > doing, they dug her up again.
> > >
> > > How do you re-use a condom?
> > > Turn it inside out and wash the fuck out of it.
> > >
> > > What are the three great lies?
> > > 1. Black is beautiful.
> > > 2. The cheque is in the mail.
> > > 3. Of course I won't come in your mouth.
> > >
> > > What do you get if you cross an Essex's girl with an ape?
> > > Don't know, there is only so much an ape can be forced to do.
> > >
> > > What's the similarity between a soya bean and a vibrator?
> > > They're both meat substitutes.
> > >
> > > What's the definition of suspicious?
> > > A nun doing press-ups in a cucumber field.
> > >
> > > Did you hear about the guy who was into sadism, bestiality and
> > > necrophilia?
> > > He gave it up. He was flogging a dead horse.
> > >
> > > Why was Snow White thrown out of fairyland?
> > > She was caught sitting on Pinnocchio's face shouting "Lie, you stupid
> > > bastard, lie!"
> > >
> > > What's the difference between love, true love, and showing off?
> > > Spitting, swallowing and gargling.
> > >
> > > What's the ultimate Jewish dilemma?
> > > Cut-price pork.
> > >
> > > What's an Essex man's only chance of coming into money?
> > > Having a girlfriend with gold caps in her teeth.
> > >
> > > What's the definition of a viscious circle?
> > > A cunt with teeth.
> > >
> > > Why is semen white and urine yellow?
> > > So you know when your coming or going.
> > >
> > > Why do women have tits?
> > > So men talk to them.
> > >
> > > What do a walrus and a tupperware box have in common?
> > > They both prefer a tight seal.
> > >
> > > What's the ultimate in rejection?
> > > Your hand falling asleep while you're wanking.
> > >
> > > What's blue and thrashes around on the floor?
> > > A baby playing in a plastic bag.
> > >
> > > What's green and sits in the corner?
> > > The same baby two weeks later.
> > >
> > > What's the difference between worry and panic?
> > > About 28 days.
> > >
> > > How many male showvanist pigs does it take to change a light bulb in
> > > a kitchen?
> > > None, let the bitch cook in the dark.
> > >
> > > What's the definition of mistress?
> > > Something between a mister and a mattress.
> > >
> > > Why is virginity like a bubble?
> > > One prick and it's all gone.
> > >
> > > How do make a cat bark?
> > > Cover it in petrol, light it, and watch it go "woof".
> > >
> > > Why is rape impossible.
> > > Because a girl with skirt up can run faster than man with trousers.
Ciao for now, love Dusch
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
We cannot change the direction of the wind, . *
. * *
but we can adjust our sails. . * * *
* .
* |~ .
> Did you ever stop to wonder what would happen if your dog's name was
> Mypenis:
>
> - Mypenis ate my homework.
>
> - Oh, no! Mypenis is frothing at the mouth!
>
> - Sorry I'm late. I was playing with Mypenis.
>
> - I'm sorry, Officer. I didn't realize I had to keep Mypenis on a
> leash.
>
> - Mypenis doesn't come when I call it.
>
> - Mypenis likes to crawl between the legs of guests.
>
> - I love giving Mypenis a bath.
>
> - At night, I sleep with Mypenis is my hands.
>
> - Mypenis likes it when people pet him.
>
> - Mypenis needs to get more exercise. He weighs over fifty pounds.
>
> - Playing with Mypenis really wears me out.
>
> - Would you like to see a picture of Mypenis?
>
> - Sometimes I wake up, and Mypenis is already active.
>
> - I think Mypenis has a mind of its own.
>
> - I keep a picture of Mypenis in my wallet.
>
> - Whenever I get lost, Mypenis points me in the right direction.
>
> - I think Mypenis is getting old because he won't get excited
> anymore. He just plays dead.
>
> - Mypenis got out last night. I think he's sleeping with the lady
> next door.
>
> - If Mypenis was a weinerdog, he would be long and hairy and hard to
> carry.
>
> - Mypenis loves to chase pussies in dark alleys.
>
> - Help! I can't find Mypenis!
>
> - Sorry to be driving so slow, officer, but I was looking for
> Mypenis.
>
> - Mypenis gets excited whenever the mailman comes.
>
> - Sorry to be driving so fast, officer - I have to take Mypenis to
> the hospital.
>
> - Oh. no! Something bit Mypenis!
>
> - Watch it or you'll step on Mypenis.
>
> - When Mypenis behaves well, he gets a bone.
>
> - Stop kicking Mypenis.
>
> - When riding in the car, Mypenis enjoys sticking his head out to be
> blown.
>
> - Mypenis is truly man's best friend.
>
> - Beware of Mypenis. He's carrying a disease.
>
> - People say Mypenis looks cute lying down, but even better when
> standing at attention.
>
> - Mypenis: the crotch-sniffer.
>
> - There's nothing like a well-trained bitch for Mypenis.
>
> - I've trained Mypenis to jump through hoops.
>
> - Mypenis always searches for an open hand under the dinner table.
>
> - Excuse me - I need a muzzle for Mypenis.
>
> Kerri
--
A Dog Named Sex
Everybody who has a dog calls him Rover or Boy. I call mine Sex.
When I went to city hall to renew his dog license, I told the clerk I
would like a license for Sex. He said, "I'd like one, too!" Then I
said, "But this is a dog." He said he didn't care what she looked like.
Then I said, "You don't understand. I've had Sex since I was 9 years
old." He winked and said, "You must have been quite a kid."
When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with me. I
told the hotel clerk that I want a room for my wife and me and a special
room for Sex. He said, "You don't need a special room. As long as you
pay you bill we don't care what you do." I said, "Look, you don't seem
to understand. Sex keeps me awake at night." The clerk said, "Funny, I
have the same problem."
One day, I entered Sex in a contest, but the dog ran away. Another
contestant asked me why I was looking disappointed. I told him I had
planned to have Sex in the contest. He told me I should have sold my own
tickets. "But you don't understand," I said, "I had hoped to have Sex on
TV." He said, "Now that cable is all over the place, it's no big deal
any more."
When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of
the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married." The
judge said, "This courtroom isn't a confessional. Stick to the case,
please." Then I told him that after I was married, Sex left me. He said
that's not unusual.
Last night, Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking around town for
him. A cop came over to me and asked, "What are you doing in this alley
at 4 o'clock in the morning?" I told him that I was looking for Sex. My
case comes by Friday.
Seems this Catholic priest was feeling despondent over being posted to a
dry, desert parish. He wrote letters to his bishop constantly, requesting
that he be posted somewhere more hospitable. No reply to his letters ever
came, and soon the letters stopped.
Some time later, when the archbishop was making the rounds of the rural
churches, he stopped in to see how the unhappy priest was doing. He found
a pleasant man, in an air-conditioned church. There were no parishoners,
since the closest neighbors were many miles away. The archbishop admitted
to some confusion, since the priest did not look like the desperate writer
of so many letters. He asked the priest how he liked it out in the desert.
"At first I was unhappy. But thanks to two things I have grown to love it
out here in the sparse desert."
"And they are?" the archibishop inquired.
"The first is my Rosary. Without my Rosary I wouldn't make it a day out
here."
"And the second?"
At this the priest looked askance. "Well, to be honest, I have developed a
taste for martinis in the afternoon. They help to alleviate the heat
during the worst part of the day." He looked sheepish at this admission,
but the archbishop just smiled.
"Martinis, eh? Well, that's not so bad. In fact, I'd be glad to share one
with you right now, if you don't mind that is."
"Not at all!" the priest exulted. "Let me get one for you right away."
Turning to the back of the church, the priest shouted, "Oh, Rosary..."
Top 6 Complaints of Priests
6. Priestly robes are so tight, they make your underwear ride up
5. People who use the collection basket as a change machine
4. Walking into the church at 4 in the morning to find some hooker
using it for a different kind of service
3. Having to help lift a really fat woman after she genuflects
2. Everytime the choir hits a high note, it shatters some of the
stained-glass windows
1. Everyone seems to be looking at them
The Top 10 ways things would be different if Microsoft built cars:
1. A particular model year of car wouldn't be available until AFTER
that year, instead of before.
2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you'd have to buy
a new car.
3. Occasionally your car would just die for no reason and you'd have
to
restart it. For some strange reason, you just accept this.
4. You could only have one person at a time in your car, unless you
bought a car '95 or a car NT, but then you'd have to buy more
seats.
5. Sun Motorsystems would make a car that was solar powered, twice as
reliable, 5 times as fast, but only ran on 5% of the roads.
6. The oil, alternator, gas, and engine warning lights would be
replaced with a single "General Car Fault" warning light.
7. People would get excited about the "new" features in Microsoft
cars, forgetting completely that they had been available in other
brands for years.
8. We'd all have to switch to Microsoft Gas (tm).
9. The US government would be GETTING subsidies from an automaker,
instead of giving them.
10. New seats will force everyone to have the same size derriere.
--
--------
What's in a name?
For the past few weeks, the behind the doors discussion at many Iranian
newspaper and magazine publishing outfits seems to be revolving not around
political, social and economic issues, but the spelling of Bob Dole's name
instead. It turns out that the proper spelling of the Republican Party's
likely nominee, Dole, is exactly the same as that of the word "penis" in
Persian. (Reuters)
* * *
FOOD KILLS: A Hungarian woman getting something to eat leaned into a
sauerkraut barrel at a relative's home near Ebes, outside Budapest,
but was overcome by the contents' fumes, passed out, and fell into
the barrel and drowned in the 12 inches of cabbage juice inside. (AP)
* * *
"Actual Newspaper Headlines"
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case
Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents
Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
Soviet Virgin Lands Short of Goal Again
British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms
Eye Drops off Shelf
Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead
Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim
Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66
Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax
Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
Stolen Painting Found by Tree
Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies
Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter
Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years
Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One
War Dims Hope for Peace
If Strike isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge
Deer Kill 17,000
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply
Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood
Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing
Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing
Air Head Fired
Steals Clock, Faces Time
Prosecutor Releases Probe into Undersheriff
Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni
Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Some Pieces of Rock Hudson Sold at Auction
Sex Education Delayed, Teachers Request Training
Include your Children when Baking Cookies
Top 10 reasons computers must be male:
========================================
10. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
9. A better model is always just around the corner.
8. They look nice and shiny until you bring them home.
7. It is always necessary to have a backup.
6. They'll do whatever you say if you push the right buttons.
5. The best part of having either one is the games you can play.
4. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
3. The lights are on but nobody's home.
2. Big power surges knock them out for the night.
1. Size does matter
Top 10 reasons compilers must be female:
========================================
10. Picky, picky, picky.
9. They hear what you say, but not what you mean.
8. Beauty is only shell deep.
7. When you ask what's wrong, they say "nothing".
6. Can produce incorrect results with alarming speed.
5. Always turning simple statements into big productions.
4. Smalltalk is important.
3. You do the same thing for years, and suddenly it's wrong.
2. They make you take the garbage out.
1. Miss a period and they go wild
"I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the
law." --David Dinkins, New York City Mayor, answering accusations that
he failed to pay his taxes.
"They gave me a book of checks. They didn't ask for any deposits."
-- Congressman Joe Early at a press conference to answer questions
about the House Bank scandal.
"He didn't say that. He was reading what was given to him in a
speech."
-- Richard Darman, director of OMB, explaining why President Bush
wasn't following up on his campaign pledge that there would be
no loss of wetlands
"It depends on your definition of asleep. They were not stretched
out. They had their eyes closed. They were seated at their desks
with their heads in a nodding position."
-- John Hogan, Commonwealth Edison Supervisor of News Information,
responding to a charge by a Nuclear Regulatory Commission
inspector that two Dresden Nuclear Plant operators were
sleeping on the job.
"I was a pilot flying an airplane and it just so happened that where
I was flying made what I was doing spying."
-- Francis Gary Power, U-2 reconnaissance pilot held by the
Soviets for spying, in an interview after he returned to the US
"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part
of your life."
-- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for
a federal anti-smoking campaign
"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body."
-- Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward
"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates
in the country."
-- Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, D.C.
"Sure, it's going to kill a lot of people, but they may be dying of
something else anyway."
-- Othal Brand, member of a Texas pesticide review board, on chlordane
"Are you any relation to your brother Marv?"
-- Leon Wood, New Jersey Nets guard, to Steve Albert, Nets TV commentator
"The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history...this
century's history.... We all lived in this century. I didn't live in
this century."
-- Dan Quayle, then Indiana senator and Republican vice
presidential candidate during a news conference in which he
was asked his opinion of the Holocaust
"Rotarians, be patriotic! Learn to shoot yourself."
-- Chicago Rotary Club journal, "Gyrator"
"The streets are safe in Philadelphia. It's only the people who make
them unsafe."
-- Frank Rizzo, ex-police chief and mayor of Philadelphia
"The crime bill passed by the Senate would reinstate the Federal death
penalty for certain violent crimes: assassinating the President;
hijacking an airliner; and murdering a government poultry inspector."
-- Knight Ridder News Service dispatch
"The doctors X-rayed my head and found nothing."
-- Dizzy Dean explaining how he felt after being hit on the head by
a ball in the 1934 World Series
TOP TEN SUBTLE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN GRAD SCHOOL AND HELL
10. It doesn't rain in Hell.
9. Everyone has heard of Hell.
8. It's more fun getting into Hell.
7. You can't fail out of Hell.
6. At least you can sleep in Hell.
5. Hell is forever, grad school just seems like it.
4. People smile in Hell.
3. You only have to sell your soul to go to Hell.
2. You know there are hot men and women in Hell.
1. You wouldn't tell a friend to go to Grad School.
From RED GLASSES
31 Signs That Technology Has Taken Over Your Life
1 Your stationery is more cluttered than Warren Beatty's address book.
The letterhead lists a fax number, e-mail addresses for two on-line
services, and your Internet address, which spreads across the breadth
of the letterhead and continues to the back. In essence, you have
conceded that the first page of any letter you write *is* letterhead.
2 You can no longer sit through an entire movie without having at least
one device on your body beep or buzz.
3 You need to fill out a form that must be typewritten, but you can't
because there isn't one typewriter in your house -- only computers
with laser printers.
4 You think of the gadgets in your office as "friends," but you forget
to send your father a birthday card.
5 You disdain people who use low Baud rates.
6 When you go into a computer store, you eavesdrop on a salesperson
talking with customers -- and you butt in to correct him and spend
the next twenty minutes answering the customers' questions, while the
salesperson stands by silently, nodding his head.
7 You use the phrase "digital compression" in a conversation without
thinking how strange your mouth feels when you say it.
8 You constantly find yourself in groups of people to whom you say the
phrase "digital compression." Everyone understands what you mean,
and you are not surprised or disappointed that you don't have to
explain it.
9 You know Bill Gates' e-mail address, but you have to look up your own
social security number.
10 You stop saying "phone number" and replace it with "voice number,"
since we all know the majority of phone lines in any house are
plugged into contraptions that talk to other contraptions.
11 You sign Christmas cards by putting :-) next to your signature.
12 Off the top of your head, you can think of nineteen keystroke symbols
that are far more clever than :-).
13 You back up your data every day.
14 You think jokes about being unable to program a VCR are stupid.
15 On vacation, you are reading a computer manual and turning the pages
faster than everyone else who is reading John Grisham novels.
16 The thought that a CD could refer to finance or music rarely enters
your mind.
17 You are able to argue persuasively that Ross Perot's phrase
"electronic town hall" makes more sense than the term "information
superhighway," but you don't because, after all, the man still uses
hand-drawn pie charts.
18 You go to computer trade shows and map out your path of the exhibit
hall in advance. But you cannot give someone directions to your
house without looking up the street names.
19 You would rather get more dots per inch than miles per gallon.
20 You become upset when a person calls you on the phone to sell you
something, but you think it's okay for a computer to call and demand
that you start pushing buttons on your telephone to receive more
information about the product it is selling.
21 You know without a doubt that disks come in five-and-a-quarter and
three-and-a-half-inch sizes.
22 Al Gore strikes you as an "intriguing" fellow.
23 You own a set of itty-bitty screw-drivers and you actually know where
they are.
24 While contemporaries swap stories about their recent hernia
surgeries, you compare mouse-induced index-finger strain with a
nine-year-old.
25 You are so knowledgeable about technology that you feel secure enough
to say "I don't know" when someone asks you a technology question
instead of feeling compelled to make something up.
26 You rotate your screen savers more frequently than your automobile
tires.
27 You have a functioning home copier machine, but every toaster you own
turns bread into charcoal.
28 You have ended friendships because of irreconcilably different
opinions about which is better -- the track ball or the track *pad*.
29 You understand all the jokes in this message. If so, my friend,
technology has taken over your life. We suggest, for your own good,
that you go lie under a tree and write a haiku. And don't use a laptop.
30 You email this message to your friends over the net. You'd never get
around to showing it to them in person or reading it to them on the
phone. In fact, you have probably never met most of these people
face-to-face.
More adventures from the phone support world....
*ring* *ring*
"Hello! Local ISP, how can I help you?"
Customer: "Hello? Tech-support? Uh, yes, I have service with you
and...uh,
well, I don't know what program I'm using, but it's not working."
Support: "Okay. What are you trying to do?"
C: "I don't know. I want the Internet."
S: "...Rrright. Are you..."
C: "Well, do I need the modem?"
S: "Yes. You need the modem. Now, are you..."
C: "And what kind of cable do I need for that? The one in the modem
box
should work, shouldn't it?"
S: "Yes yes, that's right. Uh, is the modem hooked up?"
C: "Yes. I think so."
S: "Okay then. Now listen, are you..."
C: "And does the modem need to be on?"
S: "...Yes, the modem needs to be on. Are you..."
C: "I don't understand why this doesn't work. I put your disks in my
computer, but I don't have the Internet."
(beat)
S: "Do you have a gun?"
C: "A gun? Yes I do, right here."
S: "Good. Put the gun to your head."
C: "Is a pistol okay? I don't know what caliber it is."
S: "I'm certain it will be just fine. Is the gun to your head?"
C: "Yes."
S: "Good. Now pull the..."
C: "Wait, let me switch sides, the phone is in the way."
S: "Fine, okay. Now pull the trigger."
C: "The what?"
S: "The trigger! The hook-shaped thing in front of the handle."
*BLAM*
C: "Now what?"
S: "...um...I'm sorry, did you point the gun at your head?"
C: "OH! No, sorry, I was looking at the gun to find the trigger. Ha
ha ha."
S: "Okay, look, point the gun at your head, then pull the trigger
WHILE
IT'S POINTED AT YOUR HEAD."
C: "Okay, hang on..."
*click*
S: "ARGH. Is the gun loaded?"
C: "Loaded?"
S: "ARE THERE BULLETS IN THE GUN?"
C: "Yes. There is one bullet."
S: "OKAY. Set the gun to fire the bullet. Put the gun to your head,
then
pull the trigger, okay?"
C: "I've never configured a gun before."
S: "Just turn it so that the bullet is at the top."
*click*
S: "Is the bullet in the gun the one you just fired?"
C: "Can't you use the same bullets? I didn't know I was going to have
to
buy more hardware..."
S: "Okay, forget the gun. Do you have a knife?"
C: "Yes, right here."
S: "Good good. Put the knife to your stomach."
C: "Should I open the knife first?"
S: "YES!!! Of COURSE the knife has to be open!"
C: "Well, I've never actually used this knife before. My brother gave
it to
me for Christmas last year and well...how about a Salad Shooter?"
S: "Okay, forget the knife. How about sleeping pills, do you have
sleeping
pills?"
C: "Yes, right here."
S: "GOOD. This should be easy. You'll need the whole bottle, but you
want
to take them in small groups so that..."
C: "I can't get the bottle open."
S: "CHRIST ON A CROSS WITH NAILS! Don't you ever use these things?!?
I
thought these were your sleeping pills."
C: "Well, my daughter is the one who opens the bottles. She's not
home,
though. She's at work."
S: "FORGET IT then. Shit...okay...how high up are you? Which floor do
you
live on?"
C: "We live on the 27th floor, apt. 2712 in the Murdock Building on
Hampton
Street in the Theater District just south of..."
S: "OKAY! That's good. Go to the window and open it."
C: "I've got Windows95. Will that work?"
S: "It's...appropriate, yes. But I want you to go to the window in
your wall."
C: "Okay, I'm at the window. How do you open the..."
S: "JUST BREAK THE WINDOW! Use your computer. Throw your computer
through
the window."
*CRASH tinkle tinkle*
C: "Some glass got on the floor."
S: "That's okay, just fine, you won't need the floor when we're done.
Now,
I want you to jump out of the window."
C: "Okay. I'm going to throw the phone out first and then ask you
where I
should jump."
S: "NO! WAIT!"
THE SHIT LIST
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
THE GHOST SHIT The kind where you feel the shit come out, have shit on
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ the toilet paper, but there is no shit in the toilet.
THE WET SHIT The kind where you wipe your ass 50 times and it still
~~~~~~~~~~~~ feels unwiped so you have to put some toilet paper
between your ass and your underwear so you won't ruin
them with a brown stain.
THE CLEAN SHIT The kind where you get it out, see it in the toilet,
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ but there is nothing on the toilet paper.
THE SECOND WAVE SHIT It happens when you're done shitting, you've pulled
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ your pants up to your knees, and you realize that
you have to shit some more.
THE BRAIN HEMORRAGE THROUGH YOUR NOSE SHIT
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
OR
POP A VEIN IN YOUR FOREHEAD SHIT The kind where you strain so much to
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ get it out that you practially have a
stroke.
THE ICEBERG SHIT The kind where the shit is so long that the end of it
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ sticks out of the water.
THE RICHARD SIMMONS SHIT The kind where you shit so much that you lose
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 30 pounds.
THE CORN SHIT Self explanatory.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
THE LINCOLN LOG SHIT The kind of shit that is so huge that you're afraid
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ to flush the toilet without breaking it into a few
pieces with your toilet brush.
THE DRINKERS SHIT The kind of shit that you have the morning after a
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ long night of drinking. It's most noticable trait
is the skid marks left on the bottom of the toilet.
THE "GEE, I WISH I COULD SHIT" SHIT The kind where you want to shit,
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ but all you do is sit on the
toilet, cramped and fart a few
times.
THE SPINAL TAP SHIT The kind where it hurts so much coming out you
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ swear it was coming out sideways.
THE WET CHEEKS OR THE POWER DUMP The kind that comes out of your ass
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ so fast that your cheeks get splashed
with the toilet water.
THE GOLD SHIT The kind where yellow-brown liquid shoots out of your ass,
~~~~~~~~~~~~~ splatters all over the inside of the toilet bowl, the whole
time chronically battering your tender asshole.
THE MEXICAN FOOD SHIT In a class by itself.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
THE OTTOMAN SHIT The kind where the odor of the mess creeps out of the
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ bathroom and throughout the building to make the
entire building sick or near evacutaion.
(Especially noted with "Dad's time with the newspaper")
THE ITALIAN WHO WENT TO MALTA
(must be read with an italian accent, preferably out loud)
One day ima gonna Malta to bigga hotel. Ina Morning I go down to eat
breakfast. I tella waitress I wanna two pissis toast. She brings me only
one piss. I tella her I want two piss. She say go to the toilet. I say you
no understand. I wanna to piss onna my plate. She say you better not piss
onna plate, you sonna ma bitch. I don't even know the lady and she call me
sonna ma bitch.
Later I go to eat at the bigga restaurant. The waitress brings me a spoon
and knife but no fock. I tella her I wanna fock. She tell me everyone
wanna fock. I tell her you no understand. I wanna fock on the table. She
say you better not fock on the table, you sonna ma bitch. I don't even
know the lady and she call me sonna ma bitch.
So I go back to my room inna hotel and there is no shits onna my bed. Call
the manager and tella him I wanna shit. He tell me to go to toilet. I say
you no understand. I wanna shit on my bed. He say you better not shit onna
bed, you sonna ma bitch. I don't even know the man and he call me sonna ma
bitch.
I go to the checkout and the man at the desk say: "Peace on you". I say
piss on you too, you sonna ma bitch, I gonna back to Italy.
CLINTON DEPLOYS VOWELS TO BOSNIA
Cities of Sjlbvdnzv, Grzny to Be First Recipients
Before an emergency joint session of Congress yesterday,
President Clinton announced US plans to deploy over 75,000 vowels to
the war-torn region of Bosnia. The deployment, the largest of its kind
in American history, will provide the region with the critically
needed letters A,E,I,O and U, and is hoped to render countless Bosnian
names more pronounceable.
"For six years, we have stood by while names like Ygrjvslhv and
Tzlynhr and Glrm have been horribly butchered by millions around the
world," Clinton said. "Today, the United States must finally stand up
and say 'Enough.' It is time the people of Bosnia finally had some
vowels in their incomprehensible words. The US is proud to lead the
crusade in this noble endeavour."
The deployment, dubbed Operation Vowel Storm by the State
Department, is set for early next week, with the Adriatic port cities
of Sjlbvdnzv and Grzny slated to be the first recipients. Two C-130
transport planes, each carrying over 500 24-count boxes of "E's," will
fly from Andrews Air Force Base across the Atlantic and airdrop the
letters over the cities.
Citizens of Grzny and Sjlbvdnzv eagerly await the arrival of
the vowels.
"My God, I do not think we can last another day," Trszg Grzdnjkln, 44,
said. "I have six children and none of them has a name that is
understandable to me or to anyone else. Mr. Clinton, please send my
poor, wretched family just one 'E.' Please."
Said Sjlbvdnzv resident Grg Hmphrs, 67: "With just a few key
letters, I could be George Humphries. This is my dream."
The airdrop represents the largest deployment of any letter to
a foreign country since 1984. During the summer of that year, the US
shipped 92,000 consonants to Ethiopia, providing cities like
Ouaouoaua, Eaoiiuae, and Aao with vital, life-giving supplies of L's,
S's and T's.
Improve Your Computer Vocabulary
Analog: Hors d'oeuvre, usually made from cheese and covered
with crushed nuts
Backup: Opposite of go forward
Batch Processing:
Making a lot of cookies at once
Binary: Possessing the ability to have friends of both sexes
Bit: 12 1/2 cents
Branch: If watered, it will grow into a computer club (see computer
club)
Buffer: Programmer who works in the nude
Bug: 1. Programmer's term for a feature
2. An elusive creature living in a program which makes
it incorrect. Note: the activity of "debugging" or
removing bugs from a program ends when a programmer
gets tired of doing it, not when all the bugs are removed
Character density:
The number of very weird people in the office, divided
by the floor space
Computer: A device designed to speed and automate errors
Computer Club:
Used to strike computer forcefully upon receiving error
messages
Coding: An addictive drug
Compile: A heap of decomposing vegetable matter
Compiler: Noah Webster (1758-1843)
Console: What one does to a "down" computer
Cursor: An expert in 4-letter words
Dump: A system programmer's work area
Feature: Hardware limitation as described by a marketing
representative
Hardware: The parts of a computer which can be kicked
Keyboard: An instrument used for entering errors into a system
Language: A system of organizing and defining error messages
Loop: See loop
Machine-independent Program:
A program which will not run on any machine
Microcomputer:
One millionth of a computer
Null String:
The result of a 4-hour database search
On-line: The idea that a human should always be accessible
Password: The nonsense word taped to your terminal
Performance:
A statement of the speed at which a computer system
works. Or rather, might work under certain
circumstances. Or was rumored to be working about a
month ago
Printer: Johann Gutenberg (1400-1468)
Quality Control:
Ensuring that the quality of a product does not get out
of hand and add to the cost of its manufacture or design
Strategy: A long-range plan whose merit cannot be evaluated until
sometime after those creating it have left the organization
User: Someone requiring drug rehabilitation
8-bit machine:
A computer selling for $1.00 (see bit)
16-bit machine:
A computer selling for $2.00 (see bit)
IN THE BEGINNING [author unknown]
In the beginning there was the computer. And God said
%Let there be light!
#Enter user id.
%God
#Enter password.
%Omniscient
#Password incorrect. Try again.
%Omnipotent
#Password incorrect. Try again.
%Technocrat
#And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Sunday, March 1.
%Let there be light!
#Unrecognizable command. Try again.
%Create light
#Done
%Run heaven and earth
#And God created Day and Night. And God saw there were 0 errors. #And
God
logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Sunday, March 1. #Approx. funds remaining:
$92.50.
#And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Monday, March 2.
%Let there be firmament in the midst of water and light
#Unrecognizable command. Try again.
%Create firmament
#Done.
%Run firmament
#And God divided the waters. And God saw there were 0 errors. #And God
logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Monday, March 2. #Approx. funds remaining:
$84.60.
#And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Tuesday, March 3.
%Let the waters under heaven be gathered together unto one place and let
the dry land appear and
#Too many characters in specification string. Try again.
%Create dry_land
#Done.
%Run firmament
#And God divided the waters. And God saw there were 0 errors. #And God
logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Tuesday, March 3. #Approx. funds remaining:
$65.00.
#And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Wednesday, March 4.
%Create lights in the firmament to divide the day from the night
#Unspecified type. Try again.
%Create sun_moon_stars
#Done
%Run sun_moon_stars
#And God created the heavens. And God saw there were 0 errors. #And God
logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Wednesday, March 4. #Approx. funds remaining:
$54.00.
#And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Thursday, March 5.
%Create fish
#Done
%Create fowl
#Done
%Run fish, fowl
#And God created the great sea monsters and every living creature that
creepeth wherewith the waters swarmed after its kind and every winged
fowl
after its kind. And God saw there were 0 errors.
#And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Thursday, March 5. #Approx. funds
remaining: $45.00.
#And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Friday, March 6.
%Create cattle
#Done
%Create creepy_things
#Done
%Now let us make man in our image
#Unspecified type. Try again.
%Create man
#Done
%Be fruitful and multiply and replenish the earth and subdue it and have
dominion over the fish of the sea and over the fowl of the air and over
every living thing that creepeth upon the earth
#Too many command operands. Try again.
%Run multiplication
#Execution terminated. 6 errors.
%Insert breath
#Done
%Run multiplication
#Execution terminated. 5 errors.
%Move man to Garden of Eden
#File Garden of Eden does not exist.
%Create Garden.edn
#Done
%Move man to Garden.edn
#Done
%Run multiplication
#Execution terminated. 4 errors.
%Copy woman from man
#Done
%Run multiplication
#Execution terminated. 3 errors.
%Insert woman into man
#Illegal parameters. Try again.
%Insert man into woman
#Done
%Run multiplication
#Execution terminated. 2 errors.
%Create desire
#Done
%Run multiplication
#And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in Garden.edn
#Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.
%Create freewill
#Done
%Run freewill
#And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in Garden.edn
#Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.
%Undo desire
#Desire cannot be undone once freewill is created.
%Destroy freewill
#Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed. #Enter
replacement, cancel, or ask for help.
%Help
#Desire cannot be undone once freewill is created. #Freewill is an
inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed. #Enter replacement, cancel,
or
ask for help.
%Create tree_of_knowledge
#And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in Garden.edn
#Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.
%Create good, evil
#Done
%Activate evil
#And God saw he had created shame.
#Warning system error in sector E95. Man and woman not in Garden.edn.
#1 errors.
%Scan Garden.edn for man, woman
#Search failed.
%Delete shame
#Shame cannot be deleted once evil has been activated.
%Destroy freewill
#Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed. #Enter
replacement, cancel, or ask for help.
%Stop
#Unrecognizable command. Try again
%Break
%Break
%Break
#ATTENTION ALL USERS *** ATTENTION ALL USERS: COMPUTER GOING DOWN FOR
REGULAR DAY OF MAINTENANCE AND REST IN FIVE MINUTES. PLEASE LOG OFF.
%Create new world
#You have exceeded your allocated file space. You must destroy old files
before new ones can be created.
%Destroy earth
#Destroy earth: Please confirm.
%Destroy earth confirmed
#COMPUTER DOWN *** COMPUTER DOWN. SERVICES WILL RESUME SUNDAY, MARCH 8
AT
6:00 AM. YOU MUST SIGN OFF NOW.
#And God logged off at 11:59:59 PM, Friday, March 6. #Approx. funds
remaining: $0.00.
> A young, freshly minted lieutenant was sent to Bosnia as part of the peace
> keeping mission. During a briefing on land mines, the captain asked for
> questions.
>
> One intrepid soldier raised his hand and asked "If we do happen to step on a
> mine, Sir, what do we do?"
>
> "Normal procedure, Lieutenant, is to jump 200 feet in the air and scatter
> oneself over a wide area."
$ drink < bottle ; opener
(dollar znak je system prompt, ne kucajte to|), dobijate odgovor
bottle: cannot open
opener: not found
Evo male kolekcije takvih primera, preuzeto (uz blage izmene) od
"Unix Haters"a. Kolekcija zahteva C shell; ako rabite neki drugi, ot-
kucajte csh da startujete C shell (za izlazak lahko uporabite naredbo
"kill -9 " -- ne brinite, C shell won't feel a thing :-)
Probajte ovih nekoliko primera; neki su stvarno dobri (I'm assuming that
the prompt is the percentage sign this time, ostalo kucajte verbatim|
Znak "^" nije "control" nego prosto "caret" (tj. "shift-6")):
% ^How did the sex change^ operation go?
% "How do you rate political weaknesses of the oposition?
% ar m God
% rm S.M._ethics
% got a light?
% man: why did you get a divorce?
% sleep with me
% make love
% if I had a ( for every $ spent on beer, what would I have?
Since we are all now great Unix wizards, the follow might be humorous. It
came to me from Umass.
Note that the '%' prompt indicates that the command should be issued from
the C shell, and the '$' prompt indicates the Bourne shell.
% rm meese-ethics
rm: meese-ethics nonexistent
% ar m God
ar: God does not exist
% "How would you rate Reagan's incompetence?
Unmatched ".
% [Where is Jimmy Hoffa?
Missing ].
% ^How did the sex change^ operation go?
Modifier failed.
% If I had a ( for every $ Congress spent, what would I have?
Too many ('s.
% make love
Make: Don't know how to make love. Stop.
% sleep with me
bad character
% got a light?
No match.
% man: why did you get a divorce?
man:: Too many arguments.
% ^What is saccharine?
Bad substitute.
% %blow
%blow: No such job.
% \(-
(-: Command not found.
% sh
$ PATH=pretending! /usr/ucb/which sense
no sense in pretending!
$ drink matter
matter: cannot create
A girl with realy big breasts worked as a ticket saleswoman. Every man
who would come to buy a ticket would confuse himself and say:
"Give me two pickets to Titsbourgh."
Lady, of course, got furious about that, and was pleasantly surprised
when she saw a priest coming to buy a ticket:
"Give me two tickets to Pitsbourgh", he said.
"Here you are.", she replied happyly.
"Thank you my child. Would you, please, give me two nipples for a
dime?", he asked.
POLITICS
Son: "Dad, I have to do a special report for school. Can I ask you a
question?"
Father: "Sure son. What's the question?"
Son: "What is politics?"
Father: "Well, let's take our home for example. I am the wage earner, so
let's call me "Capitalism". Your mother is the administrator of money, so
we'll call her "Government". We take care of your needs, so we'll call you
"The People". We'll call the maid "The Working Class", and your baby brother
we can call "The Future". "-Do you understand, Son?"
Son: "I'm not really sure, Dad. I'll have to think about it".
That night, awakened by his baby brother's crying, the boy went
to see what was wrong. Discovering that the baby had seriously soiled his
diaper, the boy went to his parent's room and found
his mother sound asleep. He went to the maid's room, where,
peeking through the keyhole, he saw his father in bed with the
maid. The boy's knocking went totally unheeded by his father and the maid, so
the boy returned to his room and went back to sleep.
The next morning he reported to his father:
"Dad, now I think I understand what politics is".
Father: "Good son| Can you explain it to me in your own words?"
Son: "Well Dad, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class,
Government is sound asleep, the People are being completely
ignored and the Future is full of shit".
THE FRANKLIN FACTOR: Early to bed and early to rise means it's time to
meet more guys.
THE ROPE TRICK: Give a man enough rope and he'll lasso another woman.
THE UNINTENED RESULT: 1) Men's desire for sex sometimes results in intimacy.
2) Women's desire for intimacy often results in sex.
THE RABBIT RULE: Only newlyweds and liars make love every day.
A couple who have been married for 20 years is preparing for bed when the
following conversation takes place...
She: "Honey, if I die before you, would you remarry?"
He: "That's a morbid question|"
She: "No, I really want to know."
He (pauses to think): "Yes, I suppose after a decent amount of time I might
remarry."
She: "Would she live in our house?"
He: "Well, the mortgage is almost paid off - would you really expect me to
move?"
She: "Would she wear my mink coat?"
He: "You know I paid $3,500 for that coat - would you really want me to
sell it for a loss?"
She: "Well, would she drive my BMW?"
He: "No. Absolutely not. She doesn't know how to drive a stick shift|"
A priest was asked to dinner by one of his parishoners who he knew
as being an unkempt housekeeper. When he sat down at the table, he noticed
that the dishes were the dirtiest that he had ever seen in his life.
"Were these dishes ever washed?" he asked his hostess, running his
fingers over the grit and grime. She replied, "They're as clean as soap
and water could get them". He felt a bit apprehensive but blessed the food
anyway and started eating. It was really delicious and he said so, despite
the dirty dishes.
When dinner was over, the hostess took the dishes outside and barked
"Here Soap| Here Water|"
Apparantly, this friend (call her Diane), and her fiance (Jack) were
arguing one night. Diane got emotionally disturbed, a not too uncommon
event during her fifth month of pregnancy, and began to berate Jack for
making her pregnant, to which Jack replied:
" I was only poking fun. You're the one who took it seriously.."
This joke has four parts, OK? First part: A couple is out to dinner at a
restaurant. When the waitress comes, the man orders two steaks. The woman
says "Why did you order me a steak? I don't want a steak|" and the man
replies "Fuck you| *I'm* ordering the dinners here|"
Second part: The same couple is at home. The woman serves coffee and puts
a little cream in it. The man says, "Why did you put cream in the coffee?
I like black coffee|" and the woman replies "Fuck you| *I'm* making the
coffee here|"
Fourth part: . . .
ćAt this point, someone will say "You skipped the third part|" or "You
mean third" or something, at which point you finish off with the obvious:!
Fuck you| *I'm* telling the joke here|
ObJoke: How many hackers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Only one, but he'll stay up all night doing it.
Q: How do you tell if you're making love to a nurse, a schoolteacher,
or an airline stewardess?
A: A nurse says: "this won't hurt a bit." A schoolteacher says, "We're
going to have to do this over and over again until we get it right."
An airline stewardess says, "Just hold this over your mouth and nose
, and breath normally."
--
In the mid 80's a cruiser of the U.S. navy put in to port in Catahegna,
Spain, for a week's shore leave. (Well, leave for the crew, not the cruiser.)
The first evening, the captain was more than a little surprised to receive the
following letter from an upper-class Spanish lady:
Dear Captain,
On Thursday, it will be my daughter's coming of age party. I would
like you to send four well-mannered, rich, unmarried officers. They
should arrive at 8 p.m. - One last point: no Jews - we don't like Jews.
Sure enough, at 8 on Thursday, the lady heard a rap at the door, which she
opened to find, in dress uniform, four exquisitely-mannered, wealthy, single,
BLACK officers. Her lower jaw hit the floor, but pulling herself together she
got out "There must be some mistake".
"Madam", said the first officer, "Captain Cohen doesn't make mistakes."
"Computer nerds are people who know 256 different ways to have sex but don't
KNOW ANU WOMEN TO TRU THEM ON."
Q: Why do women change their minds so often?
A: To keep them clean.
All women are close to nature.
Women vacuum.
Nature abhors a vacuum.
Therefore, all women are whores.
How much bull could a pit bull pull if a pit bull would pull bull.
Like my mom always said, "When your dad dies, then we'll be in heaven."
They say that 50% of all marriages end in divorce. That's not as
bad as it sounds, considering that the other 50% end in death.
What do you call 3 dead chickens and a tractor that won't start?
The South Dakota state fair.
WHAT'S THE MAIN DIFFERENCE BETWEEN WHAT BIOLOGISTS CALL A "BUG"
AND WHAT COMPUTER PROGRAMMERS CALL A "BUG"?
BIOLOGICAL BUGS REPRODUCE VERY EASILY.
A teacher said to her little student Suzy, "Punctuate the following
sentence: Fun fun fun worry worry worry."
Little Suzy thought for a moment and began her reply, "Let's see...
Fun period fun period fun no period worry worry worry|"
-- You fool| You almost hit my wife with that shot|
-- Sorry old chap| Here, take a shot at mine|
The U.S. has George Bush,
Johnny Cash,
Bob Hope, and
Stevie Wonder
CANADA has Brian Mulroney,
NO ca$h,
NO hope,
NO wonder|
I was teaching a very basic class in BASIC Programming to a group of adults.
Adults who have never been around computers before are very nervous and much
harder to teach than children, however I am a patient person so I enjoy their
successes. However, I must share the following:
After putting a short program on the board, I told the students to type "R",
"U", "N" and press return to see the program execute. A hand went up in the
back of the room, waving to get my attention, and the person attached to the
hand said, "I did what you said and it didn't work". Knowing full-well that
all of us make mistakes when typing at the computer, I suggested she retype
"R", "U", "N" and press return.
A few seconds later, the lady's hand goes up again. "It still doesn't work",
she said.
So.. I went back to see what the problem was ... only to find that instead of
typing RUN, she had typed in the following: ARE YOU IN
Could I make this up??
A chief and an admiral were sitting in the barber shop. They were both just
getting finished with their shaves -- the barbers were reaching for some
aftershave to slap on their faces.
The admiral shouted, "Hey, don't put that shit on me| My wife will think
I've been in a whorehouse|"
The chief turned to his barber and said, "Go ahead and put it on. My wife
doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like."
--
Several students were asked the following problem:
Prove that all odd integers are prime.
Well, the first student to try to do this was a math student. Hey
says "Hmmm... Well, 1 is prime, 3 is prime, 5 is prime, and by
induction, we have that all the odd integers are prime."
Of course, there are some jeers from some of his friends. The physics
student then said, "I'm not sure of the validity of your proof, but I
think I'll try to prove it by experiment." He continues, "Well, 1 is
prime, 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 is ... uh, 9 is an
experimental error, 11 is prime, 13 is prime... Well, it seems that
you're right."
The third student to try it was the engineering student, who
responded, "Well, actually, I'm not sure of your answer either. Let's
see... 1 is prime, 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 is ..., 9 is
..., well if you approximate, 9 is prime, 11 is prime, 13 is prime...
Well, it does seem right."
Not to be outdone, the computer science student comes along and says
"Well, you two sort've got the right idea, but you'd end up taking too
long doing it. I've just whipped up a program to REALLY go and prove
it..." He goes over to his terminal and runs his program. Reading
the output on the screen he says, "1 is prime, 1 is prime, 1 is prime,
1 is prime...."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mathematician: 3 is a prime, 5 is a prime, 7 is a prime,
9 is not a prime - counter-example - claim is false.
Physicist: 3 is a prime, 5 is a prime, 7 is a prime,
9 is an experimental error, 11 is a prime, ...
Engineer: 3 is a prime, 5 is a prime, 7 is a prime,
9 is a prime, 11 is a prime, ...
Computer scientist: 3's a prime, 5's a prime, 7's a prime, 7's a prime,
7's a prime, ...
Computer scientist using Unix: 3's a prime, 5's a prime, 7's a prime,
segmentation fault
Gosh, they all overlooked that even 2's a prime!!
I figure that 2 is the oddest prime of all, because it's the
only one that's even!
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Theorem: a cat has nine tails.
Proof:
No cat has eight tails. A cat has one tail more than no cat.
Therefore, a cat has nine tails.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
My geometry teacher was sometimes acute, and sometimes
obtuse, but always, he was right.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
And now, for some really bad picture jokes (that I heard at Cal Poly SLO) :
Q: What's the title of this picture ?
.. .. ____ .. ..
\\===/======\\==
|| | | ||
|| |____| ||
|| ( ) ||
|| \____/ ||
|| ||
|| ||
|| ||
|| ||
|| ||
|| ||
|| ||
|| ||
|| ||
|| (\ ||
|| ) ) ||
|| //||\\ ||
A: Hypotenuse
-------
Q: What quantity is represented by this ?
/\ /\ /\
/ \ / \ / \
/ \ / \ / \
/ \ / \ / \
/ \ / \ / \
/______\ /______\ /______\
|| || ||
|| || ||
A: 9, tree + tree + tree
Q: A dust storm blows through, now how much do you have ?
A: 99, dirty tree + dirty tree + dirty tree
Q: Some birds go flying by and leave their droppings,
one per tree, how many is that ?
A: 100, dirty tree and a turd + dirty tree and a turd
+ dirty tree and a turd
------------------------------------------------------------------------------